stoned shit

hot fuckd up weather on a mind fkd collg day,

days later goin to work while watchn d collg kids play..

cold winter nites wid no one to cling to,

what makes it worse is that ur outta rum too..

Sharing ur days last fkn ciggrt with five others,

drinking,gambling and to add to the guilt, concerned mothers..

Failed romances,broken hearts and dirty break up,

Fuck, its been five fkn years since ur team won a fkn cup..

While evryone else seems to be doin jus fine,

U hav given up so bad that u dnt even whine..

Depressing songs give u no fkn clue,

And the happy ones r jus too fkn happy for u..

Pink Floyd makes u believ othrs too r fkd as hell,

Aamir Khan,oh all is so not fkn well...

U cud hav been this or u cud hav been that,

Party less this wknd,whrz d rent for ur fkn flat?

Marriages,kids,loans,is thr any othr way to do..

Then one fkn day u die,and then ur fkd up lif was a lif too..

wish you were there..instead..

if pink floyd and weed is a cliche then its my favourite one for sure,fuck thy wrote all the good shit..main kya likhu ab..im tight,so much for the sober weekdays..well another bad day in the office..ironical..since i ws lookn for an office a couple of weeks back..only if i wud have lookd better ..and cuter too maybe..fuck...
so drank some rum and whisky plus 4 din ki nahn utari hai...rum got over a lil too quickly..y is the rum alwaz gone....

"hi iam shourya and im an alcoholic"..ok lil exaggeration ..
but trust me..i jus wished for rum as my girl..it alwaz givs me a good time..and even the bad ones are memorable..visious circle..faiz cudnt hav said it better"aaye kuch abr kuch sharaab aaye...uske baad aaye joh azaab aaye" if only i had written it...
trippy fact..a friend searched high hopes on youtube..1st result..srk has high hopes for kkr..i mean seriously..fuck..desh kya hoga? aur agar main desh ka bhavishya hu toh chud gaya desh..

so another year passed by..and trichy got over.. finally...FT score..Shourya Pande 1 NITT 0...u must hav had a good possession but what do u knw bout counter attacks...my best match by far..

so fuck u btech...i got u in the end..well not officially...but farre banaye thy yaar...pass ho hi jaunga is baar...

2011..u better be good...

rahul oberoi jus commented...bc dilli waale..so im thinkn..wt if i had an alter ego...saali cheez kya hogi woh...so aftr lotta thinkn this is the list i think my fkd up brain wud choose from...

1.a classy don lik LION...loin as i prefer..wts better than swimmin in ur own pool wearn a leopard printed thong,smokn pipes and thinkn ki "sona" kis beach pe aayega...pure ecstasy...fkn brilliant..

2. a 2nd world war veteran,either side..drinkn lonely in pubs wearn ur stars and gettin pissd for not finding the fkn reason i fought this war ...

3. james bond...jus for the fact that i actually get to introduce myslf as Bond James Bond...i mean u cnt get any action sayn hi im pande,shourya pande...trip saali..

4.bappi lehari,the lord of the rings...i mean i composed jimmy jimmy and disco dancer...i can liv wid that forvr...

5.a struggling poet...if ur good.u wnt struggle...so writn cheap poetry and njoyn that n feeln sad for the world who cnt get them...pyscho trip...or mayb a poet with hidden meanings..smthn lik namak ishq ka..a whole song dedicated to a blowjob..we all knw how gr8 a lyricist gulzaar sahib is but this jus takes him to a differnt unmatched level..i mean raat bhar piya se maanga maanga re namak ishq ka..beautiful..it got me thinkn..thr gotta be more such songs..i mean we indians are have a drity mind..we can think shit..il search for them..proses wid hidden meanings..and maybe if iam lucky,even a undercover protest song..newaz..ndr trip..

6.dharmendar...sunny deol aur booby deol mere bete hai...license to kill..

7.shah jahan... saala tajmahal hi mera hai..great feel..mughle azaam...kya chaiye aur..

yeah not thierry henry...khuda nahn ban sakte tum..

so 7C1..what a good week il hav..imagine goin to ur office and askn ur boss to get a martini..shaken not stirred..reminds me..

should sleep now..kal offc hai bc...i ws better unemployed...sacha hindustaani tha...gareeb aur berozgaar aur parsehaaniyo se ghira hua but then" we are paras captain,we are supposed to be surrounded"...what a fkn good line..Band of brothers kahan hai hard disk par? local terminal pe grep command de deta hu...fkn linux ki trip..im done..thats it i gess..before i get worse..

PS..those who read it tomrw..i ws drunk but fuck it..n ya happy 2011..n by happy u knw wt i mean..

till i write again..

adios 2010...i survived u..send a higher version now..

Marlboro Days

"its been a hard days nite" moaned Raj..it sill echoes in my ears..
he was right.. as alwaz..
Raj..sigh..the guy who started it all..he had a thing..he jus had to quote lines from famous songs preferably rock n roll or lame ass movie dialogues at the most inappropriate of times..i mean he introduced himslef to a bunch of girls, one fine saturday morning as "hey Iam Raj,naam toh suna hoga"..
the girls giggled..and he went cycling wid them..i jus stood thr,admiring his guts..and it was as late as next Monday morning in school we came to know that he was actually Dharamraj Tripathi but it was too late..his dad must have had a poor vocabulary or a bad sense of humour..but neverthless Raj was born..
Class 6th..when i first met him..life was easy but dull and monotonous at times..he brought some spark..a lot of spark actually..he was different but in a good way,a great way rather..popular owing to his good looks and bad behaviour..he was a visionary,a visionary ass..i always felt he cud see the future..

So here he was this new kid in class 6th and by class 9th,he had cemented his place in the brotherhood of lunatics of our school..the prestigious "brotherhood of lunatics or BOL in short"..no junior had ever set foot in its meeting and here was Raj, a member even before writing 10th boards..it was a big thing..BOL ws a hush hush gathering..kinda like the free masons..but only more secretive..it existed but we never evn tald about it..only Raj told me about that once..he cud confide in me..and i liked it..Ok back to BOL..
To be a member u needed to score 214 points..the scouts were there n the grading was tough..the seniors pried all the time,even whn u thought thy wrnt..


Before all that here is smthn about school and our dreaded history..Mr T short for Mr Tehar was an ex con now on a rehab,teaching troubled kids to whom he cud relate..ya he did sm time in Tehar for smthn we dnt knw..our school has "no record" policy!! And our school..well,all d students hav been to juvenile homes or have parents who are in prisons or sm troubled history wid the law..or rather lawlessness..so we wr the bad influence to the outside world..but we never cared about the outside world,thr was so much crap inside....so Mr T seemed dangerous and trust me he was..many thought he was in for molesting kids and traffing..so we took no chances..i on the otherhand found Mr T decent..but i too didnt take chances..im a gutless bastard..dats mayb y i admired Raj..




I remember the first time he entered d bad books of our teachers and by thus the good books of the BOL Jury..it was class 7th summer holidays..Mr T our dreaded history teacher gave us a summer project on The British Rule in India..no one gave a shit to summer project or holiday homeworks..girls n gays did it..the guys here were not academically inclined..why play wid books whn u hav rifles at home..

so neways..while everyone was making projects on the British Rule in India,Raj was making plans..plans to go to Britain..we didnt see him for another 2 months..and on the day of project submission he gave a photo album to Mr T named THE BRITISH RAJ..it was aftr 2 days we came to knw that the album had pics of Raj in Britain doing stuff that a normal british teenager wud do..album ended wid a note scribbled in a manner u cud make out it meant spite..the note read

"the british moved on..so should we"..

no guts no jury..

So the jury was impressed..He scored 37 points for it..thats jus the starting and now he set for motion..how he scored the other 177 points is intellectually and emotionally overwhelming..such an easy climb for him..sounds so stupid now..but back then, we wr kids and skateboards n friendship bands wr cool..so there u go..it was a fkn big deal..discussion over..

He however needed anothr 300 points to be the greatest ever.."THE MADCAP"..
The legend goes that "the madcap" wears an orange cap with M embroidered on it..

"i dnt lik orange plus i gotta do smthn out of the world to be the gr8st evr,stupid pranks dont count" dats wt he had said whn i askd him why he wasnt tryn for the Madcap..


You must be wonderin why its all bout Raj..well as i said..he started it..but thr are other characters in this story too..
There was Atin Cheema..he joined our school late..class 7th from London..that made me realise that thr r fellons in "abroad" too..i thought apna desh hi chuda hai...newaz Atin..he was tall,lanky,handsome and most importantly had a motorbike..james dean of our school,he had been convicted of drunk driving before,wel thats what he confessd a year later..he introduced us 8th graders to booze,bikes,marlboros,leather jackets n girls..hero tha saala.. Atin was diffrnt..polar opposite of Raj..he never cared for us or any1 for that matter..well i dnt blame him, ur not that matured in school for fucks sake..i liked him then..he had money..xtra money..which he spent on us..

And then thrs me..im d most gutless guy ul evr cm across..Both of these managed changin me for good or for bad..i dont talk that much n before they happend i hardly talkd..no parents,no family..my criminal history..i ws in for taking a shot at my foster dad wid a golfclub..i dnt rembr that and Atin feels the club must hav been "1 wood" cuz me hitting sm1 is a
long shot..Atin had a twisted sense of humour..newaz according to the report i hit him twice because he wudnt let me see Kuch Kuch Hota hai on Zee TV..i mean dats bullshit..ok i love that movie or any Shah Rukh Khan movie for that matter but i cant hit sm one..i mean in school i have nevr pushd or evn talkd in a loud aggressive tone wid anyone..im jus a regular kid who lovs his movies..
so i knew jus these two..why they hung out with a loser lik me,i dnt knw..
odrs thought that i was crazy..thez two didnt..cuz mayb thez two were crazy too..well i see a shrink too.."doc" as i call him says that i have a rage disorder and delusions but he thinks im recovering..good for me..




Day 0..

"why so serious?" asked RAj and he lit his Marlboro ..

Atin looked low..he hardly was serious..and even if he was he would not show it..
"nothing" ignored Atin..
"bol bhi de jaan!!" teased Raj..
"gods a whore..i mean its always wid the people who have money.." he suggested.."and pass me my lighter"
"heavy" i meekly added..
" but you have money right? it works for u" Raj complained..
"when did i say its not workn for me?? im jus worried for the poor!!" Atin countered back
"the hell you are!!" shouted Raj..

Both of them looked ready for a heated discussion again,it was fun watching them together..thy wr lik R+ and OH-....super charged individually and created awsmnes when together..ok my chemistry sucks but u get the point right..

"so u dnt think gods a whore?" asked Atin.."whats ur take on God?"

"this wud be interesting" i thought..i lit my Marlboro Red..

"well we have quite a generation gap,me n god..we dnt get along..i mean we dnt listen to our parents most of the time cuz thr ideas are outdated..why listen to smthn dat ws preached thousand of yrs back..its bullshit" Raj stood thr as if he was delievrng a speech..

"so u got daddy issues!!" confirmed Atin
"na..papa dnt preach!!" i ws waitn..he had to quote..
"wt bout u?" he asked me..
"huh?"
"wt bout u saale..wts ur take on god?"
"i dnt knw..i think Raj is right"
"ya go suck Raj's dick"
"oh..u jus pissd cuz he wont suck ur lil dick..?" Raj sneered..
Male ego..it is under rated..men wnt accept it and women wnt bother findn out,thy too r busy wid their shoes.. ..we need a 3rd sex in the equation..
3rd sex..wudnt that jus change the dynamics..how wud be define sex ratio then..a person cud be trisexual then..i lik the permutations..plus hopefully thr wud b more sex then..shit do i need to get laid..?

"ur a fkn ass!!" shouted Atin..
"im Butt James Butt".. Raj in English accent
"Bugger off"
"Bollocks"
"teri pehn di"
"Army!!"
"Arirforce!!"
"Army!!"

it went on for hours..the dual..
thats the first memory i have of us 3 together..these two arguing smoking marlboros..n thats me in the corner..now i sound lik Raj..newaz so that night i understood one thing..it wud be fun with thez three around..Raj, Atin and Marlboros..


Marlboros got us together..its the first cigarette i smoked and nevr changed it..we smoked Marlboros and only Marlboros..i remember the day whn i had my first drag..it wasnt that pretty..not poetry in motion..i was edgy n nervous..its lik having sex for the first time..its kinda difficult,ur not great or confident..doesnt feel that awsm as u had thought n it gets over a lil too soon..and no doubt the 2nd time is alwaz better and u always improve..but u alwaz rembr ur first time..unless u wr drunk and wasted..and im talkn bout both the cases here.. (i jus read cosmo a lot)..
so i rembr,Atin n Raj were smokn there in their room..i askd for a drag..Raj offered his Marlboro Red..n i never looked backed..i got so high on it,i remember talkn a lot that night..we 3 made a pact that we will only smoke Marlboros..we even refer to our cigarettes as Marlboros..
"its not a cigarette if its not a Marlboro.."





Day 1..

class 8th summer holidays..


"its been a hard days nite" moaned Raj..
we had been workn..NGO..social service..govt wants us rehab kids to do social labour..so tired of workn the whole day we wr lyn on our bean bags smokin Marlboro Reds..Atin was havng Marlboro gold special edition,style quotient..he offers us..
"baap ka paisa hai,padhe padhe sadh jayega" taunts Raj..he jus has to quote sm famous movie line or a song..told u,he had a thing..
"fuck..sex karna hai "shouted Atin..he is the horniest guy i hav ever seen..im sure he is gettn some but he wil stil complain..pig..
"my sex life these days is lik McDonalds..self service and no variety" pointed out Atin,he looks at me,"oye..u got ne slutty female friends??"
bastard teases me again..he knws i dnt knw a single girl..ok trust me..im straight..but girls..im jus plain scared of them..who wanna date me newaz..i dnt luk good,dnt hav money..cnt evn speak properly..
"i feel lik killn whoevr heads this NGO thing..i mean thy make us work for shit" Raj was pissed..
"You jus cant go around killing people" Atin suddenly sounded lik a nun..
"Impossible is Nothing" Raj quoted again
"ok maybe you can kill but you ll get caught"Atin spat back..
"kyo kanoon ke haath lambe hote hai isliye?" Raj demanded..

"you cant handle the truth!!" Atin..tryn to give Raj his shit back..
"what truth?" Raj demanded..
"that ur not perfect.. the perfect murder doesnt exist..nothing is perfect.." he added,
"except American tobacco maybe"
he lighted another one..

Raj seemed offended..

ok u dnt challenge Raj..not when he is pissed..not anytime..he takes it to his heart..and he has a big heart..Atin knew it..but then he was a dick smtimes..

Raj stood up..he seemed ready for the challenge..i cud feel the tension building..both thez guys had major ego issues..n pride was at stake..
"il perform the perfect murder" he promised to Atin..he had a twinkle in his eye..as if he could see it..
"i bet my life on that..you cant do it.."invited Atin..
"hit me" Raj commented..the gambler in him was speaking..too much blackjack..
"this is madness" i said to Raj..
"madness..this is Sparta!!" shouted Raj,slammed the door with his foot n marched out..i remember Jethro tull playn aqualung smwhr in the background at that time..the air jus didnt feel right..


Day 2
class 9th summer break


"dnt study if u dnt want to,stop pretending" barked Raj

i woke up with a jerk..so did Atin..
"i was studyn" Atin defended himself..
"Geometry?? lik a novel? " mocked Raj,.."mental maths brother mental maths.." Atin smiled.."newaz Marlboro hai?"
"oh i hav quit smoking" Raj answerd
"did ur girlfriend tell u to quit?" Atin smiled..
"what gf?" i looked at Raj..
"no one" Raj ws about to leave..
"Miss Jailan" Atin sighed
" How do u knw?" Raj turned back and askd..
i ws perplexed..hurt rather..how come Raj didnt tell me..
"i went thru ur mobile last night..lovey dovey texts by Jailan..whos she?" Atin was enjoyn himself..
"who the fuck is she ? and what kind of name is Jailan??" i asked..i wanted answers..
"so since its public now..i gess its not a secret nemore" Raj sat down and took one Marlboro out..
"tell me more,tell me more" Atin sang..well Grease is the word..

"i met her in my last juvenile home.." sighed Raj "since i first saw her in a jail..i call her Jailan..she is most beautiful girl i knw.."
"u dnt knw many girls dude.." Atin smirked..
"a thing of beauty is joy forever" Raj quoted Keats..
"so u in lov?" i lookd shocked..
"pyaar to hona hi tha" Raj again..
"so thats her letters dat u recieve n burn after reading?" Atin asked..
"yeah!!" Raj shot back..
"i thot thoz wr ur answer sheets.." Atin laughed again..
"you cud hav told me?" i felt cheated..
"ho ho..dnt worry il save ur number as jailan in my mobile" Atin said..he was such a dick..

after that day i was jailan for Atin..he re named me..Atin had an uncanny influence on other batchmates when it came to loserness..so the whole school called me Jailan from that day..

we never met the actual Jailan tho..who she was..whr she was..what was her real name..no one knew..we two alwaz asked Raj about her..
one day he jus dismissed us by sayn "a thing as perfect as her cudnt be for real.." he was almost in tears..we nvr askd about her again..

So now i was the only Jailan in his life...





Day 3


"i hate my fuckn name" screamed Raj.."everytime i write Dharamraj Tripathi on my answer sheet i feel lik puking.."

"then puke,maybe ul feel better..plus answer sheet pe ugal de jo andar hai tere,number hi aa jayeng kuch"Atin wid his witty remarks..

"fuck off..this is serious!!" Raj sounded upset...
"whats in a name.." Atin tried mimmickng Raj..

"im changn my name before 10th boards..cant live bein Dharamraj all my life..u got ne good names.." Raj was serious..

"i knw u wnt agree to watvr i say..so what dnt u jus ask ur bitch.." Atin lighted his marlboro gold "wt say jailan?"

"hmmm..i dnt knw..Rahul maybe.." dats d first name that came into my mind..i mean Raj nahin to Rahul..told u im a sucker for SRK..

"why do u evn lik karan johar's gay movies?" Atin dismissd the idea.." u have a fkn KKHH's poster in ur room!! seriously!!"

"Rahul it is then" Raj concluded..he jus had to negate Atin plus takin my side would help build my lost self confidence..loved him for that..

"call me Rahul from today"..Raj lighted his Marlboro Red..

"im calln you Raj only..ask jailan to suck ur dick!!"

So from that day i tried him Rahul but it was tough..he would alwaz be Raj..





D Day..

class XIIth boards hav finished..i cudnt giv them..im in a mental asylum/prison..i hav been declared unstable..n ya importantly, i hav been found guilty..every one believes that a couple of months back i killed Atin..every one but Raj..cuz he knows i didnt..as he did it..right in front of me..i saw him smashing Atin's head twice with a golf club somehow wid my fingerprints on..
"no motive,jus rage.." thats what Raj had told to the judge and the doc who has been treating me..
i read the doc's report..i must say..i ws impressed..this is the most unrealistic medical report that you wud ever cm across ur fuckn life..
it read something like...
"Atin Cheema killed in a violent act of rage in the most bizzare circumstances..the guilty

,delusioned and suffering from chronic pain, hallucinated his whole life as nothing but as the

movie Kuch Kuch Hota hai..
according to the guilty's subconcious mind, following parts were playd by the real life persons..

Rahul (the ever so charming)
T.I.N.A by A.T.I.N ( the new comer from london)
A.N.J.A.L.I by J.A.I.L.A.N (the old best friend now in discomfort)

According to his unstable subconcious .Tina got too closed to Rahul,much too closed for Anjali's comfort..Tina had to die according to

the movie's plot..and so here the guilty, to make the movie happen, took action in his own hands..

And seeing guilty's history for violent conduct and delusions and finding evidences to support

these assumptions and also the hard evidences lik guilty's fingerprints on the golfclub used in

the act of crime and Rahul Tripathi's testimony as a witness..we find Shourya guilty and mentally unstable"

absurd right?? i mean how can any one fall for such crap but it has happend as even the doc knws im such a sucker for shah rukh and karan johar crap..

Raj came to meet a month later in the asylum..he looked diffrnt..we sat down across the hall..my

hands were locked..but i cud bum a marlboro..i askd for one..he offrd me marlboro gold special edition..

"u smoking special editions now?" i asked..
"i miss Atin" he replied..

i felt lik punching him..

"so evrythn ws a lie uh?" i enquired..

he didnt reply..

"was thr any Jailan or any girl..wr u ever in love??"i wanted answers..

"thr was no girl in the jail u dumbfuck..thr ws no jail..i jus came up with it cuz it went well with Atin-Tina crap..changing my name to Rahul on ur wish..knowing ur history for delusions n rage ..it was as easy as anything and dont ask me how i got ur fingeprints on the golf club.."..he leaned back n lit his Marlboro..

"how did u knw that the judge and the doc will buy this crap,its such a stupid plot?" i questioned

again..

"this is India son..SRK sells here" he smiled and took a long drag.."aur waise bhi saare acche plots par to ghar ban gaye hai..main khud kiraaye pe rehta hu.." he sounded like Atin..crap again..

"so why r u here today Raj?"

"to tell u that u are safer in here" he assured me...bastard.." oh baby baby its a wild world!!"

"so all this just for a stupid bet?" i wanted closure..
"ok idiot listen..i wanted prove that the perfect murder exists..and i did it..perfect murder is
not getting caught..its making someone else fall for it.." vintage Raj..quoting crap from some novel or a movie..

"lif is not a movie ,u fucker" i raised my voice..

"you are the last person who shud say that.." he started laughing lik a lunatic...


" and it wasnt jus a bet,life was callin me" he added,"as i once said, i wanted to do smthn out of

the world,stupid pranks dont count!!"

And he got up..wore his orange cap with M embroidered on it..and started leavn..
"Hasta la vista, baby"
"all this for a fkn cap..wt about Atin's death,what about me,how do u feel about that??" i

shouted from behind..

"kuch kuch hota hai anjali...tum nahn samjhogi"..and the Madcap jus whistled past the guards ..

Na kaleni, suka!!!

so iam bored and broke..things i can do..
1.learn some instrument..yeah rite..
2.work out..id rather make out..
3.download porn..naah..hard disk full,im tired of deleting music for orgies..
4.drink/score..im broke..
5.write..yeah im bored..

stuck in doon..using "stuck" here cud b a lil harsh(i ws in trichy few days back,sorry shaktiman)..ok i mean doon is a nice city..good weather..good food..good girls..plus im at home..khaana pina lodging laundry free..so its not that bad..but im fkn bored..meri marzi..mera blog..
so im gonna jot down randomly..league started again(har saal shuru ho jaati hai)..but no football today..mayb after a treble or a double..a double in england is parlay in america..fkn too much online gambling..won 0.6 $ on ladbrokes,6 kings aa gaye haath mein..but im on detox..things u do at home..last cigarette smoked was 3 days back..jus watchn pics of famous ciggrt brands online.."tasveere tum le jaao..yaadein main le jaata hu"..watched KNPH again..reminds me of my hrithik roshan phase..even had a poster of him..
Other posters i had in my old jalandhar room..
1.sachin tendulkar
2.jordan
3.Thierry Henry
4.Thierry Henry(again)
5.van nistelrooy(brother is a useless utd fan)
6.Michael Owen(sportstar mein aaya tha laga liya)
7.david bechkam(yes im gay)
8.the beatles
9.jonty rhodes
10.Zizou..
11.sunny deol(hoho,gotcha)

clearly im devoid of any ideas..but no alt+f4..stil got haf an hour worth crap inside of me..what can i write about..???
life..well waiting for the joining cud b boring too..my parents think i didnt get a job n im jus buyn time chilln at home..my gf thinks im not cmin to pune(ever ever in d world)..trust issues i tell u..dats all i can rite bout lif..nthns happening..can rite bout after life mayb..a houri awaits me..who knws..
crap crap crap..so il jus go..fastforward..

year 2025AD..im a famous movie director living in milan(no i still support arsenal).. married to my 2nd wife Beatrice née Del Toro,italian model with mexican ancestery along with my son junaid from my 1st wife amatallah an afghan reporter(who i met during the filming of my blockbuster "kabul ki duaayeen leti jaa" n who was later kidnapped(n i hope not raped) by the taliban for making love wid an infidel(me)..junaid is planning to join FBI to kill his mother's killers(i hope not rapists) and mayb run for US president as any1 cud b a POTUS these days..lets see how that works out..
so its drizzling outside..i come out of my heatef indoor pool after a delightfull swim session wid beatrice(me stud me)..light my cuban(no mom,i havnt quit smoking) and realize that i have an interview scheduled with TIME(mba coaching waala nahn saalo) when my maid Jacquelyn(french) tells me that a magazine's reporter is waiting outside..fuck i gotta an interview with them..memory loss..a symptom of the rich..
"hello sirji"
"sir JI..desi??" my mind runs..i look at him..fuck..a mid 30 male indian..bald,ghissu..i ws hoping for a femme fatale,well nevermind..
"hey" i act disinterested..im rich..
"is it the right time?" he asks..bloody diplomat..
"TIME is always right uh.." i retort..mixing pun with humor,dats what made me rich i mean..along wid selling coke to african kids but dats another story and dats y i wnt let junaid join FBI..engineer bano..dats what my father said..dats wt il say.
he smiles unknowingly..i bet he didnt understand wt i said..bloody low iq..bc kisko bhej diya richard ne..
"so wts ur name? u seem new?" i try n put d guy in ease..its not the 1st time that TIME is interviewing me..
"vinod khanna" he hisses back..there is smthn bout this guy..i search his name on my blackberry..lotsa results on the real vinod khanna..some amar akhbar anthony n vardi's songs links on youtube too..
finally i got it..vinod khanna..assistant reporter TIME magazine..worked for amar ujaala before that,known for his grindin interview skills,some say mayawati made sure that he landed a job in TIME so that he wud stop harassing her on her UP nav nirmaan yojna....i knew it..there ws smthn in his eye..
"toh shuru karein sirji?"
"hindi mein??"..mere tashan..
"sirJI main hindi main poochunga,aap english mein jawaab de..thodha adjust karein..so shall we start??"
"why not!!" im nervous..trust me..
"chori on kakori express..movie ka naam aisa kyo..poori movie mein koi chori nahn,koi kakori express nahn..sirf nasha aur nanga naach..KYO KYO??"
"well u c.. chori on kakori express==COKE..its not jus a move to dodge d censor board..d movie depicts young kids addicted to drugs..d same nation for which d congress looted the kakori express..a free india,a young india..and d movie depicts drugs n sex instead..yeh movie hatke hai..its a satire u c.." kya chuttad question poocha saale ne..i ws prepared for that..
"waah waah..ji bilkul..to fir itna ghuma fira k naam kyo rakha..seedha nashey ka zehrilla chumma,aisa kuch kyo nahn?"
"well u c..we cnt be dat direct..audience shudnt just judge the movie on its name..thr shud b sm twist evn if thrz no plot..n mine had two..one running back in colored n other runnin forward in black n white..its 1st time smthn lik that had happnd.." i lean back..
"sir aisa kuch memento mein bhi hua tha..haina??" the bastard sneers..
"well thats diffrnt..memento had the same plot..we had 2 diffrnt plots..1st is a young kid taking revenge n getting his dads empire back by killing villain's one daughter n roamancing the other n the second includes d same kid getting killed and his rich "hamshakal" taking revenge after his lover spots him in new zealand and falling for the same gir,rembr sirJIl..in between thr is lotsa drugs n sex which depicts nations problems"
"sir plots kuch jaane pehnchaane nahn hai? aur kuch sense bhi nahn ban rahi aapas mein..audience ek baar mein kuch samajh nahn paai..aisa KYO KYO??"
"well u c..its no doubt a dedication to baazigar and kaho naa pyaar hai but the cinematography is totally diffrnt...
the one dat looks lik baazigar has hrithik roshan and the movie runs in black n white..while d odr 1 has SRK n runs backward and theres a script too..its completely diffrnt..plus d songs r not same..we hav usd old classic duran duran and aerosmith hits to appeal to our offshore audience..its a new look wid retero appeal and non linear approach dat makes this movie a modern classic.."
"kuch bhi?"
"dats rakesh roshans new movie..no comments"..hoho..dat was gud..
"sirJI mera matlab aap kuch bhi bolenge ab..aapki movie kisi ko samajh nahn aai..uska kya jawaab hai?"
"well not evry1 understands laws of motion..doesnt mean einstein ws a shithead?"..i shud b a lawyer..
"newton.." he smiles
"jee woh ek puraani adaakaara hai..unko beech mein naa laaye.."
"behenchod!!!"
"is this on the record?" i enquire..
"sir scotch ho jaaye..tension ho gayi hai"
badha kutta aadmi hai..
"old monk chalegi?" vinod khanna ko lodha scotch pilaunga main..
"sir kuch bhi de do..mix mat karna apni movie ki tareh..tikke lagwa do..subah se kuch nahn khaya"
bastard..no doubt he handled mayawati..
"i dnt eat non veg on sunday..pea nuts kha lo?" main kam kutta hu..
"nimbu dalwa dena"
i order all this to Jacquelyn and spank her on her way back..dnt get me wrong..dats jus a code..now she wil spit in vinod's drink n make it small instead of usual large..
he asks random off d record questions till d time being..Jacquelyn cms wid d drinks and serves us..i spank her again on her way back..get me wrong..my maid, my blog..
interview restarts..
"y the multiple endings..Y Y??" he sips n barks..chadh gayi saale ko,daru pi ke english shuru..
"well multiple plots..multiple endings.." i answer as if its obvious..
"but the movie shud hav 1 ending,i mean me n my wife watchd d movie on 2 diffrnt screenings..n later whn we discussd..we fought ovr the endings as it ws diffrnt in our cases..had a fite..we almost had a divorce..y did u do that?"
"abey tum dono saath movie nahn dekh rahe..fite tumhari already hai,divorce mere naam kyo,meri khud do shaadiya hai.." i start in hindi..mujhe chadh gayi??
"he he he..sirJI small thi kya yeh..jaldi utar gayi.." saala lagta puraana darubaaz hai..
i order sm more..spanking continues..
"so how many endings r there??"
"well ek meri..ek producer ki..ek shaqeel bhai ne bola tha ki marine drive pe bomb blast sequence ho end pe..junaid ke liye pokemon waali..ek aad aur hogi..aapki kaunsi thi??"
"the 1 whr ET goes back.."
"well woh stevie ne idea diya..theme hai ki sab waapis chale jaate hai...."
"lik SRK leavn NASA n returnin to India ?" he shouts back
"exactly.." i lik him now...a lot can happen over booze..he winks..gay..
"aakhri sawaal...kabse join kar sakta hu sir?"
"i think he is perfect" whispering..
"aaj se.."
jab karna ho max impress..Fair & Lovely Max Fairness..



PS..badhe badhe deshon mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain senorita..

bakar..

4am..saturday nite..trichy..im livn d dream.."n" large old monks down..(n has an integral value...daddy small nahn peete)..plus..arsenal jus won a crucial away match..a scrappy late goal by bendtner..2 1..hull went down..gr8 feeln..the league is open..im happy for a change..agar isi jazbe se khele to har samasya hull ho jayegi..chaat..i knw..im in trichy..wt do u xpect..?? godfather?? or twilight..as thez daz as edward cullen is more popular than michael corleone(n the new kids search it on google immediately)..it makes me wonder(jimmy page,respect)..wtvr happend to clean, non vampiric, non magical, non half alien/half wolf,plain human fiction..with twilight,harry potter,lotr bein d top selln novels thez daz, i feel good i ws born a lil earlier..we read good ole classics..alwaz had enid blyton for that idyllic fun..turned to hardy boys n 3 investigators(had to mention..my fav8 detectivs n thy had no money n no dog) for sm mysteries..sm nancy drew for cheap thrills..james hadley chase for that all american steet drama n then to pg woodhouse n odr serious black humour
novels..whr d protagonist ws a simple man wid no flyn powers..miss that time..tho grown back then had its cons too..no internet n no free porn..i mean it ws a bigdeal whn u scored a x rated cd..al d guys wr informd..the cd was passed n passed until al the moves wr mastered..old videos..sm random clip outta sm european film..lif was tuff back then..today u jus search "nude lesbian blonde" on torrent n u got a good nites sleep..no regrets tho..the trees were higher whn we wr young(roxy)..u gessd it rite..feeln a bit old..jus saw a couple of 1st years discussn physics lab record in front of bru..keywords wr .."rombha xperiment da..terror..spectrometer readn naai..machaa..2 credit..worst da..lab record..gpa..parents..da ..macha..naai..idea teacher"..i cud indrstnd d
naivety..bloody 1st years..so i thot..fuck..2 months(+1 for sm dedicated students lik me) n its gonna end..4 years i hav been w8n for it..hope its as sweet as it was promised..cul de sac no more..
alcohol..football..literature..porn..collg depression..all my fav topics covered n im short of subjects to write..music left..kirk hammett playn d unforgiven on my music player..the young man struggles on..reminds me of me(yes its my blog n im self obssesd)..1 message recieved..its dean.."if u up til 6..wake me up..".."if u go to london.buy me an arsenal jersey"..my reply..i feel gud..surd wil b mind fkd..i get kicks outta such replies..a quality i developd aftr comin here..takn pleasures outta simple things..good weather..edible food n cold water..helps me survive here..ndr msg comes..dean replies.."pinky..dirty 5"(USA humor)..damn d surd has learnt sm tricks of his own..i msg back my trademark hoho..i let him sleep..saale ko gym jaana hai subah aur main acchi body ka deewana hu..(im talkn d female body tho..fk u..)..ndr msg cms..not dean..its a junior.."hum kal subah match khel rahe hai??"..instant fkd up reply "matches insaan khelte..sher shikaar karte hai.." boom!!! the guy wil learn soon,,he has ndr 2 yrs in collg..final yr doesnt play early mornin on a sunday..
so ya its sunday tomrw..plan for tomrw..nil..wil wake up late..hope thr is smthn to smoke whn i get up..premier league matches tomrw..but fkn IPL is on..indians jus lov cricket..so no chance a few football fans wil outnumbr them n watch football in d common room..mayb the only positiv thing outta this is dat we hav a democratic system of tv viewership here..so probably wil b readn d live football texts on bbc.com..decent site..pro pak..but then evn d pakis shud hav smthn..tho thy claim evrythn to b theirs i wnt b surprised if indians land on moon n thy make a petition in UN sayn jinnah had bought sm land thr too in 1937 n show sm lame papers evn to support indian violation on their holy land(ISI..more respect).. so im talkn crap gain..panku is in askn for a smoke..il be back..


6 15am..a short trip to thuvakudi..( a typical bus stop wid nite lif 2 kms away from our collg on nh 67).. few chota gold n teas..sm edible shit..sm joints..im back in room..had a very serious argument on GDP rank of india(rankd 12 btw,not bad) ..at a point d argument went so out of focus..it proved its mathematical property of bein dimensionless..im stoned i can talk shit..i feel lik dylan..lay lady lay(if only)..3 mins 20 secs late..zimmerman does its magic...chaos is a friend of mine he once said..same pinch i added..so its lik andr haf an hour to 7..mess wil function..sunday breakfast is a delicacy here..plannin to go for it..dunno for sure..the fkn answer is not blown in d wind..to some more serious issues...socio economical -political instability..women bill..racism..or my fav..tennessee or scotch..?? i can fkn go for old smugglers rite now..fuck cheap liquor reminds me..forgot to wake up dean at 6..thr goes my jersey..8 secs later..msgd..call ka credit nahn hai n i cnt walk..its 10m away for fuck's sake..fuck..im plannin to post this random write up on my blog..wil mayb publish on it on facebook..havnt been thr for a while..people mite b gettn restless whr am i.cnt help it..im jus too gud..i lik facebook..as i once said.."u can see hot girls there n can comment too"..plus u can publish shit lik this..any writer's dream..now u jus cant die unpublished..lik a complete unknown..lik a rolling stone..shud change dylan now..a quick look in mY music..ticket to ride...john is on..andr 3 mins 10 secs...ndr decent trip..almost 7am..roomies is half awake..i can try and convince him to go for mess..but suddenly i dnt wanna go..im makn no sense..il play hearts
n sleep(teen patti nahn hai computer pe)..some minutes down..naa...wonder bsb wrote quit playn aftr thy got bored playn this..il fkn wrap it up b4 i jus completely stop makn sense..adios..hope utd drop points today..and there i go playn star again..

the beautiful game

pretty wasted..its been a long nite..a lil depressed..just like that so ended up watchn old arsenal videos..doesnt help..n then it strikes me..

A typical garnet day..

Objective..to indulge in all illegal activities possible..which ends up drinkn old monk on rooftop and smoking up and drunk calling and if still sober then gambling..but since we dnt live in a Utopian society..smokn up is jus fine..

minor objective..scoring weed..n prayn sm1 gets placed..cuz thats whr booze gonna come from..

philosophy..scoring is an art..if u knw football ud knw it..u can hav all d vision n creativity..but if thrz no1s to score..ur not goin newhr..


modus operandi..

to score u need a target man..one whos can perform..so u keep operatn..to narrow down ur search u look for guys who hav had a fkd up day..short attendances..low grades..a bad lab session..girlfrnd problm(rare in our area)..negativ sex(quite often)..or traumatic in trichy syndrome(TITS)..nethn wud do..u put d idea of smokn up in his head n make him believ how dat wud turn his day upside down..to make him agree is a skilld task but oh d veterans make it look so easy..well thr 1s who look for d happier guys who r just plain ecstatic to smoke up..but well then its lik makn ur opposition score an own goal..cm on wts d fun in that..we lik d beautiful game..nehow..d guy is now willing and complied to spend at least 50 bucks n now uv gotta deal..but thr r days whn thrz so target man..thats whr 2 or 3 attacking midfielders in a same team come in2 play..2 or 3 10 bucks notes frm here n there n suddenly u look a lik different team..their contribution is invaluable..

now..to assist scoring u need wingplay..runners who wud outrun flanks..the problem now is transportation..n thats whr a classic playmaker comes into play..he searches for such wingers..guys who are new in2 biking n can do nethn to go a gear up..or jus plain random guys makn a round trip from our belovd city..thy can make a trip 3kms down NH 67 into sm shady corner of a village n get wt u want..but easier than its done..d bike keys mayb wid sm1 else..thr mayb people in city who r not pickn up ur calls cuz thy knw wt u want..a healthy PR alwaz helps..good communication n motivational skills can win u d golden ball.. and if ur lucky u mite get a target man who can cover flanks too..it cuts down ur trouble..n dats y i regard Henry up thr wid d all time Best..

now with transportation sorted there comes the next big challenge..d dirty work..d crushin n d rolling..a good holding midfielder who lovs d donky work(democrats dnt take offense)..newaz so u pick guys who hav steady hands n are good at mouse games..sittn in 1 position wid jus hands workn is a tuff ordeal..now if d guy is unwilln to crush but willn to smoke up(wel he is alwaz willn but still) then u make him believ that as if u hav scored n now its his duty to do the hard work..d guy gets ready..a slick move..u then choose the tempo of d game..who all shud be in..what kinda music wil b playd..content of d trip..decidn parameters being team chemistry and basic philosophy of lif..cuz thr r d nerds..d perverts..d music lovers..d depressed...d gothics(fuck too much american hi school flicks for me)...u judge by ur instinct..cuz if u cant, ul get an intersection of thez sets..n dats wt we here in trichy call Bhasadh..n believe me its dirtier than d classic derbies..

if ur a really smart playmaker..setting d time limit of d session cud take u to d hall of fame..after labs..b4 meals..powercuts..u shud hav d knack for finding depression..well trichy is good place for honing ur skills..i bet thr r good scouts around..
ANd now wid evrythng set n ur team ready..its time to hit d field..a lil warming up wid a cigarette or2 alwaz pays..d dimming of d lights..d music turnin on..its lik bein in a stadium wid d crowd cheern..then d whistle blows..d 1st joint is lit n its game on.. no1 can teach u what happens thens..how u perform inside is jus upto u..
( to knw about wt usually happens inside wait for my nxt post... "inside of a joint session-the holy trip")

..to b a success inside is an inherent quality..some r born wid it..some learn wid time..some work gr8 in pairs..and thr some who never learn..but the effort is alwaz appreciated cuz here unlike football; if u play u alwaz win..newaz..objective achieved..d playmaker has playd d beautiful game..

So if u ever wonder y doesn't "that guy" do anything in any of ur sessions..just "wonder" again..u owe a lot to him..